Seek First to Understand

If you want others to listen to you, first you must truly understand them.

There is a simple but incredibly powerful communication principle:

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

Meaning: if you want others to listen to you, first you must truly understand them.

This is not a technique for speaking more smoothly. This is the correct order in communication:

❌ Wrong order:
Speak first → Explain → Argue → Disagree → Two-way defensiveness

✅ Correct order:
Understand first → Confirm understanding → Respond after → The other person is more receptive

When you don't yet understand what the other person is thinking, worried about, or needs — and you rush to explain or argue, conversations easily turn into two-way defensiveness.

💡 At work: Many conflicts don't come from who is right or wrong, but from both sides not truly understanding each other's context. The person doing the work thinks the person assigning it only knows how to push deadlines. The person assigning work thinks the person doing it only makes excuses. If you don't stop to understand, each side will tell a story that puts the other in a negative light.

🎯 The Essence: Connect First, Respond After

Good communication starts from real connection, not from speaking well.

The person speaking is usually not just transmitting facts. They are also bringing:

😰 Pressure
😤 Emotions
😨 Fears
🎯 Expectations
🤫 Things left unsaid

If you only listen to the words, you only understand the surface. To truly understand, you must listen to the context behind the words.

🔑 This habit requires a difficult skill: suspending judgment. Not abandoning your own opinion, but not bringing it out too soon.

🎧 4 Levels of Listening

Before learning to listen to understand, let's look at which level you're currently at.

Ignoring 😶
The other person is talking but you barely register it. You might be looking at your screen, thinking about something else, or just waiting for the conversation to end.

Fake listening 😬
You nod, say "yeah," "ok," "I get it," but you haven't actually processed the content. This type of listening easily erodes trust, because the other person senses you're not really present.

Selective listening 🎯
You only listen to parts that relate to what you care about, or parts you can use to argue. This is very common in work debates.

Example: The person assigning work explains customer pressure, but the person doing the work only waits for a sentence related to scope so they can find flaws.
Example: The person doing the work talks about real risks, but the person assigning work only waits for the completion date.

Active listening 🧠
You listen with your ears, eyes, and genuine attention. Not just the content, but also observing their stress level, what they emphasize, what they avoid, and the real need behind their words.

At this level, you can restate their points in your own words, ask deeper questions, and check whether you understood correctly.

📊 Self-assessment: In a recent tense exchange, which level were you at? The answer is often not as flattering as you think — and that's exactly why communication becomes difficult.

🛠️ How to Use It Right Away

In a tense exchange, do 3 things:

Suspend judgment for the first 1-2 minutes.
Ask deeper questions before drawing conclusions.
Restate the other person's viewpoint in your own words before sharing your own.

Useful phrases:

"What worries you most about this?"

"If this doesn't go well, what's the biggest risk?"

"So what you're saying is this part is affecting the deadline, right?"

"Let me check if I understood correctly..."

"From your perspective, the main issue is..."

⚠️ The goal is not to agree right away. The goal is to make the other person feel you understood correctly before you present your own perspective.

💬 A Practical Speaking Framework

Use this framework to reduce defensiveness in conversations:

"Let me restate to check if I understood correctly.
You're worried about [A], because if [B] happens, it will affect [C].
The part I'd like to add is [D]."

This framework helps:

✅ The other person sees you're not dismissing them
✅ You still get to share your perspective afterward
✅ They're more receptive because they feel understood

🏢 Real-World Example at Work

Situation: The person assigning work asks to add a small item before this delivery phase. The person doing the work reacts immediately:

Person doing the work: "It won't fit in time, you're adding requirements."

If the person doing the work argues right away, the person assigning work may think they're not cooperating. The conversation can easily turn into a deadline tug-of-war.

Using "seek first to understand":

Step 1 — Ask first:

Person doing the work: "What commitment from the customer is this item tied to?"
Person doing the work: "If it's not in this delivery phase, what's the impact?"
Person doing the work: "Is the requirement to do everything fully, or just for the customer to see the core content?"

Step 2 — Restate:

Person doing the work: "I understand that the customer needs to see this data portion in Friday's demo, otherwise they'll have difficulty confirming the acceptance phase. The issue for our team is that if we do everything fully right now, the risk of errors is high. I propose we do a preview version for the demo first, and move the editing part to the next cycle."

🔍 Analysis

Here, the person doing the work isn't blindly giving in. They understand first, then present a solution. This makes the person assigning work more receptive.

✅ Didn't say "no" right away → reduced defensiveness
✅ Asked to understand the context of the person assigning work
✅ Restated their point accurately → they felt understood
✅ Offered an alternative solution → win-win outcome

🚫 5 Common Mistakes

Mistake	Behavior	Consequence
Listening to counter-attack	Just waiting for the other person to slip up so you can catch it	The other person senses it immediately and becomes defensive
Cutting them off too early	Thinking you understand, but actually only understanding part of it	Restating incorrectly → loss of trust
Guessing instead of asking	Especially dangerous when you already have preconceptions about the other person	Restating incorrectly → they think you don't respect them
Listening only to facts, ignoring emotions	Missing signs of stress, worry	Missing the most important information — because emotions are often signals of real pressure
Turning "listening" into silent submission	Thinking listening = agreeing with everything	Dare not share your opinion afterward → imbalance

💡 Listening doesn't mean agreeing with everything. It's just the step of understanding correctly before responding. After you understand, you can absolutely disagree — but only then does your words carry weight.

📝 Practice Exercises

🔁 Individual exercise: Pick a real exchange this week

One where you usually want to argue right away. Before the conversation, prepare 3 questions:

Prepare beforehand:

"What worries you most about this?"
"From your perspective, what would the best outcome be?"
"Let me restate to check if I understood correctly..."

During the conversation:

Set a rule for yourself: first 2 minutes only ask and restate, no arguing.

After the conversation, write down:

What did you learn that you didn't see at first?
Was the other person less defensive?
When you shared your perspective afterward, were they more receptive?

👥 Short partner exercise: Practice with a colleague

Pair up with another person.

Person A shares something that's been bothering them at work for 3 minutes.
Person B can only do 2 things: ask follow-up questions and restate what A said. No advice, no arguing, no sharing your own story.
After 3 minutes, switch roles.

🎯 Goal: Train the feeling of "listening to understand," because most of us are used to listening to respond. This exercise sounds simple but is very hard — and very effective.

🤔 Reflection Questions

Pause for a minute and ask yourself:

Am I listening to understand, or just listening to argue?
When colleagues speak with me, do they feel understood?
When do I tend to interrupt others? Why?
In my most recent conversation — did it start from understanding or from arguing?
If I spent the first 2 minutes just asking and restating, how would that conversation have gone differently?
Am I confusing "silence" with "listening"?

🌱 Final Message

People are usually only willing to understand you after they feel that you truly understand them.

In the role of leader, senior, or someone working across teams, speaking well is not enough. You must create the feeling:

"This person understands my problem."

Once that trust is there, your feedback carries weight.

❌ Old habit:
"I disagree..." → Explain right away → Other person becomes defensive

✅ New habit:
"Let me restate to check if I understood correctly..." → Confirm understanding → Then share your perspective

Understanding is not about giving in. It's a strategy. And the best strategy starts with one simple question:

"What worries you most about this?"

👂 Communication 🧠 Emotional Intelligence 💡 Leadership 🤝 Teamwork